My Own Mental Health Struggles
With the recent attacks on mental health treatments from RFK and the trump administration, I wanted to take some time to talk about my mental health.
I posted an article about trump wanting to “reconsider” mental health parity laws (AKA gut them), I also wanted to talk about my struggles with mental health. I posted an article about trump wanting to “reconsider” mental health parity laws (AKA gut them), and I wanted to talk about my own mental health struggles. Not only that, but I was in mental health treatment before the mental health parity laws, and the out-of-pocket costs even with the insurance were $75 per mental health session. At 3 sessions a month (bi-weekly, in-office therapy, and one psychiatric session per month), it was expensive. The insurance, which paid for everything else, did not fully cover my mental health treatments.
Now, I have all of my mental health services covered. I'm able to get the treatment I need to function. The reason I'm capable of doing this is because of my medications and therapy.
I've mentioned that I lost years of my life in a haze. And it's true. Even with the mental health treatments, I've been struggling for the last few months. Being in fight-or-flight for months or years on end is not healthy. I feel like I'm in a fog again, and I'm constantly tired. This is due to the stress of dealing with a country being run by a fucking moronic Nazi whose only purpose is to enrich himself while working for a company that pays me in literal blood money. I get to watch the CEO of the company prance on stage speaking about how they adjusted the metrics because we were doing so well. CVS's revenue was about $94 billion in the first three months of the year. It's now May, and my YTD pay was $15K on the paycheck I just received. There aren't enough drugs in the world to treat this type of depression, unless I want to be a zombie.
And this is still not even remotely as bad as when I was untreated or incorrectly treated.
I wanted to share my experiences without treatment.
I've been mentally ill for my whole life. Likewise, I remember having intrusive thoughts at a young age. This is likely because my dad was dying slowly for the first 9 years of my childhood. The anxiety came later. It started as attachment issues. I would worry that something would happen to my mom, but for the most part, I was a pretty normal, if precocious, child.
High school was when the anxiety ramped up. I went to Catholic school, so I had to deal with the judgmental bullshit. Being told being gay was a sin, being told that I was a piece of tape or chewing gum. That I wasn't a “real woman” if I had sex outside of marriage or if I didn't want children. (Jokes on them, I'm a goblin, and I'm fixed.) I was forced to do a “marriage project” because “all girls dream of their wedding day” (nope!). I know that, despite my best efforts, being inundated with this rhetoric does still affect me in some ways today.
And this was just the environment. My school was an all-girls school, and high school girls are just about the worst. This extended to some of the people I was unfortunate enough to be friends with or date. A brief rundown:
A friend I'd known since grade school would constantly make fun of the way I dressed and the fact that I was not feminine. For example, when I took her on vacation with my family, she glued those awful fake nails onto me when I was asleep. They were so long I couldn't play my Game Boy because the curve made it impossible for me to push the buttons. I ended up snapping them off and telling her if she did it again, I was shaving her head.
Another time I was wearing around 5 or 6 necklaces, and of course bracelets up my arm, as was the style for 13-year-old goth kids. This included a choker. I was also wearing a plaid skirt, fishnets, arm warmers, and stompy boots. She started calling me like I was a dog. Full on “Come here, girl! Come here, Ana! Good girl!” I was furious. I was even more furious at the multiple times that she would make fun of my interests and then copy them. This is true of video games, books, and especially clothing. A few years after that incident, when punk style was trendy, she shows up in the same outfit she made fun of me for.
It wasn't just her, of course. I was the one who was talked down to, disregarded, or bullied. It took me years to realize that I didn't have to tolerate this shit. Now, I am perfectly fine with cutting toxic people out of my life. As a 14-year-old? That was not happening. I didn't understand that the way I was being treated was wrong. And that fucked me up. The biggest thing that I dealt with, and the one that led to my severe social anxiety, was that when they were mad at me, they wouldn't tell me. Instead, they would just bully me. This was a theme until I was in my twenties. They would get mad and be vicious and cruel. Instead of just telling me, they would treat me like shit for reasons they didn't care to disclose. This is something that still affects me to this day. Had someone do this to me a few years ago, and they were surprised when I ignored them and then blocked them. The irony is that they bragged about being able to do this without a thought. They still contact my spouse occasionally, but it’s been a pretty nice two years without dealing with their bullshit.
When I got into college, I was finally diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and depression. I received Adderall for my ADHD, and it was like someone took a leaf blower to the fog. I was doing well in school, I was sharp, I wasn’t sleeping all day. And then my mom lost her job, and I lost my insurance. I went back to pretty much working and sleeping again. And this is how I lived for 10 years. I still had a social life, but I constantly felt tired and drained. I didn’t have anything left to be creative. I just… existed. And when I got insurance, my doctors either weren’t allowed to prescribe me the medication (telehealth), or looked at me like a drug addict because I knew what medication worked for me. The medication just happened to be a controlled substance. It’s bullshit, but unfortunately the stigma is real.
And of course, not all mental health issues are chemical.
The ADHD is 100 percent a chemical issue. Even when things were great, I would have issues with severe fatigue and mental fog. Once I was finally able to get Adderall again, I was capable of being awake and functional. This was not the case before.
Especially when combined with the depression, which is situation-based. I know it’s anecdotal, but I was doing very well before November. Once that shithead was elected, I noticed a steady decline in my functionality. I’m not as severe as before, where I could barely get out of bed, but instead of doing light chores during my breaks at work, I take naps because I’ve been sleeping like shit for the last 5 months. I’m constantly worried about everything. Fun fact, did you know anxiety can cause fatigue? It’s because your brain is in overdrive and then crashes hard after too much pressure. It’s also why I’m considered “medication-resistant.” (Thank god for my psych. She had me list the medications I had tried and just said… “Oh, yeah, you need something else. None of that is going to work for you.” She has been a godsend)
I went from 2 medications (Vialzodone, a drug for “anxious depression”, and Adderall) to 4. The aforementioned medications, plus hydroxyzine, a muscle relaxant, and a beta-blocker. If you notice, the last two are not psychiatric medications. This is so I can still feel things, but my body’s anxiety response is muted, making it easier to deal with. Medication calibration is a lot, guys.
I mention this because my doctor recognizes the depression is because of external forces and is not my natural state. It still affects me either way, so my brilliant doctor and I worked together for solutions that are outside the box. If I lost access to my psychiatrist, or the medications I use to treat my illness, I will revert back to sleeping my damn life away.
But if I hadn’t had a 10-year gap in mental healthcare, how different would my life be?
It takes a lot to do this. Time and energy are a short supply.
I love my spouse, and I’m not complaining about anything that lead to me meeting them. Seriously, I love this fucking man. I think the sun shines out his ass, and I don’t give a fuck about how lame that is. He could be in a burlap sack covered in mud and I would still think he is the sexiest person ever. He is my best friend, and I adore him.
But I know we would be in a much better place if I had had the energy and time for creative endeavors even 5 years ago? I think we would. If I had the attention span to make a blog like this (I know Substack isn’t that old, but I would have been able to find a platform.) And as much as I love my two neighbors, I want counters and a washer and dryer. If I had extra income from a project, we would at least not be in debt from buying basic fucking necessities because our wages are bullshit for the amount of work we do. And my spouse has experienced a similar situation.
We were both denied the ability to be our best selves because we lacked the money for basic healthcare and therapy. And this is the reality of millions.
How many millions of people are untreated for mental illness? People LOVE to talk about abortion and “What if your kid cured cancer?”, without worrying about the brilliant, melancholy teenager whose parents can’t afford to pay for mental health treatment? Or the young adult working three jobs trying to make ends meet and doesn’t have time to go to school and can’t afford to treat their ADHD? There are people HERE that can change the world, but aren’t given the chance.
Instead of subsidies for corporation, we NEED to invest in people, including their mental health.
Having mental illness isn’t just limited to affecting your brain. When my anxiety was at its worst, I would be in the bathroom sick because I couldn’t deal. It’s not fun to be running back and forth to dry-heave in the bathroom every 5 minutes. I am also very sure that my mom’s untreated anxiety led to a host of stomach issues. Not to mention the mental and physical fatigue. The kind where you can’t keep your eyes open and your body feels like lead. It’s difficult to get things done while feeling this way. And there are millions of people like me, who can create meaningful things, but who physically can’t do that.
Our society vastly underestimates the effect that mental health has on our bodies, or how it is connected to external situations. And we need to start. Not to mention the fact that we are expected to suffer in silence. I’m lucky I can talk to my supervisor and say that my mental health is bad, and I also have workplace protections (because my company penalizes people for calling out, despite working for a fucking “Total Healthcare and wellness company” or whatever the fuck bullshit they’re calling themselves.), and the problem is becoming worse because the current administration is an actual threat to life. We need to do better.
If we survive this hellscape, we need to really prioritize mental health treatment for everyone who wants it. We need to give people the chances that they could have had, instead of forcing people to cope without help. I did it for 10 years, and I can absolutely say those years were stolen from me by a country that puts profits above people. But we are at the precipice. We must fight not only to remove and repair the damage from the government, but make this country a place where we can all thrive, despite the demons in our brain.
Thanks for reading, and be safe!
~Ana the insurance demon~
You’re right. There are millions of people like you, but you’re the only Ana. Thanks for sharing this. If we all don’t fight, the orange turd wins.
Grateful for your story, Ana. I've lived some similar stuff, and wrote a novel about a character named Audrey with severe anxiety (Falling Through the Night). Add in autism and it can be a real challenge. Here's hoping we can collectively find the energy to take steps forward and bring the country into a new era that is truly about We the People and not We the Billionaires.